Bailout Bailout Bailout

Now I'm not usually the one who writes about this stuff because my knowledge is limited but the way things have been going I've been reading a lot more. I mainly leave this to the Crippes King because he reads and understands politics more than I. I woke up this morning and turned on my computer like I do and I check up on my internet life. I read the news from time to time if there is an interesting headline. I check for the major political things going on and I come across another damn bailout. GM motors looks like it's going bankrupt. Yet another company that cannot sustain itself due to the lack of flowing economy. So what's next? Is McDonald's going to take a plunge? Of course not. McDonald's and its rival subsidiaries will be just fine. We'll all go out and buy that greasy food because we all need to eat. Not to mention buying a 5 dollar burger is a hell of a lot easier than buying a 25K+ GM motor vehicle that may or may not stimulate the economy.

If we bailout GM as I hope we don't, who else will jump on the bandwagon? I'm in dire need of money, as are most Americans. Bail me out! My plan for bailing out Marty isn't even going to cost the country much. All I need is about 50K and I'll be fine for a while. Ok maybe 100K. But that's the point, when is it enough?

If we let GM crash into the ground we lose a lot of American jobs. It is not the American workers fault though that their company makes lackluster cars and demands too much for them. I agree with the King on this one, if we're going to bail you out, you better be making some better (meaning efficient) and more affordable cars. You deserve to fail GM. You've invested poorly over the years and those damn CEO's are again getting overpaid. I don't want these good hard working people to lose their jobs but it's about damn time these fat cats learn that they're not the only people who matter. There are a lot bigger things to worry about other than the contents of your damn wallet.

What do I know? I'm just the average broke American. I see your lots filled with cars you can't sell GM. If you want I'll take one off your hands. If I could drive places I would be more inclined to spend money I don't have. Stimulate the economy you know. That's what you big Whigs want anyway isn't it? I'm sick as I'm typing this so if it doesn't make sense it's because I'm all duped up on cold medicine and my head feels like it's going to explode. I'll write something more coherent later.

Coughing and Phlegm,
Martles the Sick

Needed Something to Tie You Over

In case anyone was needing something from me to tie them over this is it. I'm currently in Florida hanging out with the family and our newest edition Keira. She's my niece and she's the most wonderful baby I've come across. It's silly to say she's the cutest because every asshole with a baby thinks theirs is the cutest. She is nevertheless. Fuck everyone else's babies. She's the one for me and all other babies can kiss my white ass. 

Also I would like to officially apologize to The Ranger. Tim Glenn that's you. I know you're the King of Glenndora and if Nate gets to have nicknames for all his friends blogs I feel I can do the same. Back to the point. Tim Glenn I'm very sorry I couldn't make it to your reception. I wish you both the best and I'm glad that some are capable of finding the wonderful thing we all take for granted called happiness. I tell you and everyone who reads this that I'll be buying you a beer the next available chance I get. If you don't want a beer I'll make other arrangements. I'll  leave you with a shot of my mug because pictures in your blog inspire more readers. Not to mention it looks a lot better if you can write and incorporate pictures into your blogs. Farewell everyone I shall return home soon. Fear not.

This is my mom. She is rad.

This is my brother in law's kid. So he's like my step nephew. This kid is crazy.

Apparently I'm a big fan of people screaming in pictures I take with them. I mean come on look how much fun we're having. Try it before you judge me.

Peace, love, and unprotected fornicating,

Martles

I Love You Grandma Suzie

Today has been a weird day already. First off I woke up way too late and I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. The first thing I do when I get up is check the time, then I reach for my phone to see if I slept through any calls or texts. My mom sent me a text this morning that said my Great Grandmother has passed away last night. She was 96 and had lived an amazing life. She was a member of the American Red Cross and has been a member for at least 75+ years. As far as my records are concerned she was one of the longest running members of the Red Cross. 

I loved her. But I feel a better sense of passing than I did with my Grandfather. I was told some of her last words were "I'm ready to meet the Lord." Now I'm not a religious man at all really but I still have a respect for those who are. My Grandmother was a saint. She was a wonderful sweet woman who never wanted to hurt anyone. This is a woman who at 92 went outside in the Michigan winter to feed the birds. Upon leaving her home to head down to feed the birds she slipped on the icy steps breaking her ankle. She got up and fed the birds anyway. She was unaware to the extent of the damage but dammit she was going to feed some birds. When she finished she went inside and called for help knowing that something was wrong with her foot. This woman was built from stone I swear to god. I don't know where it is we go to when we die, I don't know if we go anywhere, but if there is a Heaven this woman deserves entry. I'm very sad to know that she's gone but it warms my heart that her faith was so strong in what she believed in. She's in a better place now. I love you Great Grandma Suzie.

Much love and peace,

Martin (as she knew me)

Vegas Baby!

So apparently it's true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I was pulled aside by a suited gentleman while in the airport and he informed me that I was never to speak of the things I did in the city of Las Vegas. For two hours I was viciously interrogated about the events preceding my exit of Nevada. I was later forced to sign a waiver saying that I could never speak about my trip to Vegas. I signed it because it was the only way they would allow me to board the plane. There's a chance I'll apprehended for telling you this. Much love friends all is well for now.

Vegas is cool,

Martles

My Stomach Hates Me

Now I know I eat too much fast food. I want to know why my body hates me so much for eating it. It's not like I'm eating the shit everyday but once and a while, like twice or thrice a week, I like to indulge myself with some good eats. Well, low quality eats but they're tasty anyway. I've been traveling relentlessly around murray eating at all the greasy fat forming hot spots that they have to offer. We're talking Wendy's, Arby's, McD's, BK's, little mexican place called Albertos, Del Taco, Taco Bell and some good old fashioned Subway. These places are all disgusting to most normal people and sometimes I wish they were gross to me because I don't want to eat it anymore. It's terrible for you. Whopper with cheese is grand indeed but a friend with weed is better. That's for those few Placebo fans there are. 

I'm deciding to call my eating research that way I don't feel bad about eating it all the time. Which I try not to do. I was awoken this morning (noon) to an abrupt and sharp annoying sensation in my side. I couldn't move. I was just lying in bed and I had this horrific pain that I couldn't pinpoint. As I was laying in bed today I think I just might has grasped what it means to have the PMS. Girls talk about being bloaty and having cramps and all that weird vagina stuff and I've been fortunate enough to hear way too much of it. I'll admit my curiosity got me into trouble but I didn't know I was going to open Pandora's box of muff. I don't wish that kind of pain to anyone. If you already know keep it to yourself. I know more than I want to about the vagina. Moving on.

Back to my tossing with gut wrenching pain. I tried remembering what pregnant women do when in labor, the breathing thing, that really only made it worse. I tried holding my breath like you do in extreme pain and that too only made things worse. I was prepared for the worst. I thought that my appendix was going to explode. Then I realized I don't have insurance, there's not way I can get this handled. Fuck. What do I do when my insides splatter all over my walls in my dark room. Is anyone home to help drive me somewhere? It was at that moment the pain subsided and it felt like nothing had even happened. I'm going to take into consideration that this was all Burger King's fault. I had a tasty burger and fries last night which may lead to the contribution of terrible pain. I want to tell you all it was just a huge fart but that frankly just isn't the case. I'm going to tell you that I'm done with fast food but we all now that's a god damned dirty lie.

This is all your fault Burger King.

PS. You're welcome for the free advertising. Maybe a free sandwich is in order...

Whoever has some pepto bismol, bring me some. I think wave two is right around the corner.

Save my insides,

Martles

My Love Rekindled

Now I have never stopped liking Modest Mouse. I will always love Modest Mouse even though they haven't been able to impress me recently. I'll tell you now I'd much rather listen to Good News for People Who Love Bad News over We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank any day of the damn week. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

Their newest installment has a very lack luster sound. Sure they spent a lot of time in the studio drowning out Mr. Brock and other crucial members of the band with silly effects and twangs, but point being they never needed those things. Their amazing sound and tenacity came from struggle and depression. Those things made Modest Mouse sound great. Now that they have all the money they could ever need there's no reason to write songs like "Bankrupt on Selling" or "Styrofoam Boots". They can now write silly songs like "Dashboard" and "Florida" that frankly suck. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

I'll keep supporting you Modest Mouse, and I'll always remember the awful winter days where you reminded me that your life has sucked a lot more than mine. I'll always remember having moments where I knew exactly what you were talking about through song, those moments people don't like to talk about because they're afraid of conveying a large amount of emotion for something as little as a song. I love music for that very reason. Each song is a gateway to somewhere else, where you don't have to be yourself anymore but merely listen to what and how someone else feels. It's amazing. I like to think everyone else feels this way about music and I know some people do. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

I know I'm a music elitist and I know it has caused some trouble with other music lovers I know. But what I try to get out there is that I'll listen to almost anything once. I listened to "Under the Black Light" by Rilo Kiley for Christ's sake. That was some awful music. I do my best not to offend other people's taste in music but sometimes they are asking for it. I don't need to listen to Insane Clown Posse to know that they suck. A lot of people like it and good for them. If you're not going to let me say I don't like it there's no reason I should have to listen to you ramble on about how good you think they are.

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

It's all a matter of respect. If you're in my house telling me my music sucks, you're not going to get a pleasant response. If you're in my house refusing to listen to my friend explain his love of Modest Mouse to you, you're not going to get a pleasant response. All I'm saying is, I have an opinion too, I heard yours now let me tell you mine. I will not allow bad mouthing of Modest Mouse near me again. I'm with Dave on this one. I'm ready to get into fights defending them. 

If you see this album buy it. It's worth it. If you don't agree you're missing out.

I Might Be Insane

So for whatever reason lately I've been having trouble getting to sleep. I'm not going to lie I've been staying up way too late. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I worry too much but nevertheless I can't seem to get much sleep. For the past few days I've been staying up till five and six in the am. When you stay up that late it allows you to sleep through a lot. Before you know it, it's two thirty in the afternoon and you have to go to work in two hours. The only way to kill time before work is to write blogs and smoke cigarettes. 

Maybe I'm freaking out about who's going to win the election. My main man Barack or oil drilling moose hunting mavericks. Maybe it's because I'm coming to a point in my life where I should be doing something and I can't figure out what the hell it is. Maybe I know what it is and it scares the shit out of me because of what I'll have to do. People here don't understand and I'm going to bum out a lot of people when I do it. I'll leave it at that for now.

On a lighter note I've been thinking a lot about who would be able to kick Robert Redford's ass. Now I should preface this by saying I love me some Robbie Redford. When you have a man like that he needs a counterweight. He needs someone who is an equal or at least someone he can spar with. The only few names that come up are Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman. Maybe Robert Duvall on a good day. I watched the Last Castle for the first time last night and I must say it wasn't that bad. I want to say it was great but maybe I need to watch it again. The entire time I knew that James Gandolfini couldn't keep up with Redford. No way was Gandolfini going to be able to take him down, Redford is smarter and better than him. Now I could go on but I feel it would be rambling so I reiterate my initial question. Who do you think could kick Robert Redford's ass? I want to know because these are the things I worry about and I'm thoroughly entertained by the fact. I need feedback on this one folks. I can't do it without you. 

Who thinks they got what it takes to kick this man's ass?

I don't know what I'm writing about anymore. Just help, I think I'm losing my mind.

What the fuck,

Martles

Calm Down They're Just Germs

I read the Crippes King's blog about toilet paper today and he made a valid point I would like to elaborate on. He said, "I know we're all afraid of germs, but let's build that immune system back up."He's absolutely right, germs are an essential part of living. Adapting to your surroundings and survival of the fittest. Do you really think you're going to be "fit" if you keep washing your hands after you touch anything that isn't yours? Of course not. Ever wonder why those people who are constantly using hand sanitizer are frequently sick? They're killing good germs as well as the bad ones. Now believe me there are such a thing as good germs. You cannot be alive and well if you don't have germs that work against your sicknesses, they're called antibodies. You acquire antibodies from everyday life, like walking, breathing, touching doorknobs, going to work, or going to school. If you kill all these germs before you can acquire them your body will be defenseless. Ever notice how you've been around someone who is sick and you always seem to catch it? Try not washing your hands after every little thing you do. Now unfortunately nowadays you must include a disclaimer for those people who take advice to the extreme. I'm not saying don't wash your hands, but rather pick and choose the times you do. Here I'll make a list for you showing you proper and improper times to wash those filthy mitts. 

DO Wash:

1. If you take a shit.

2. If you take out the garbage.

3. If you touch raw meat of any kind.

4. If coughed on by a hobo.

5. Before eating anything, that's just smart.

DON'T Wash:

1. If you took a piss at your own home.

2. If you shook someone's hand you didn't know.

3. If you touched dirty laundry (depends on how dirty i guess).

4. If you touched a doorknob in an unfamiliar building.

5. If you rode in a car that wasn't yours.

Really people this isn't fucking rocket science. There's a time and a place for washing your hands and you should use better judgment. If your hands are soiled, literally covered in something, then sure you can wash those hands. But there's no reason to get all wash crazy just because you touched something unfamiliar. Germs are a good thing. The best defense is a good offense. Having antibodies is like handing the good germs in your body guns and ammo. The more they have the stronger they'll be and the more bad germs they can kill off. Your body is a growing and evolving thing. Our bodies are capable of amazing things and that fucking hand sanitizer is ruining that. I'm telling you to get out there and get dirty and don't worry about it.

I'll leave you with some words from the late amazing George Carlin, " If we're supposed to wash our hands after touching our dick, shouldn't we be washing our dicks?"

I Couldn't Resist

Since I don't work at FastSigns anymore I feel that I can share with you something I did on the job. I went to a place Called DIFUKU to remove and re-install dimensional letters for them. The letters were large and had a mirror front as you can see in the picture below. I admit I took the letters off in a certain order. I couldn't help myself, so I had to take a picture. Childish and silly as it is I got a good laugh out of it. 

My favorite part was when I left it like that for thirty minutes as I took a lunch and a smoke break. I didn't go far as to not get into too much trouble but seeing some people's faces as they got on the elevator was priceless. 

There are a lot of goofy things that can happen when you work for a sign company. I'm the kind of asshole who loves to mess with the public and whenever opportunities like this arise I love to take advantage. Not to mention finding something that keeps you entertained at work is a good thing. It's healthy to enjoy yourself. You have to be on the lookout for the hilarious and ridiculous in any situation. Now go out there and find something funny, you won't regret it.

The Club Isn't Dead

I went shopping today at one of America's conglomerates also known as Wal-Mart. Now I know that I'm supporting big business by shopping there but in our current state of economic catastrophe their low low prices are hard to pass up. I wish I could buy everything I needed from Ralph's family owned grocery but there come times where you have to suck up your pride and just go out and buy some shit. I bought groceries so I can eat (not much harm done right?). Wal-Mart is a pain in my ass though. I would much rather shop at Target for many reasons. It's the same thing for one, the merchandise is better quality, and the best reason is that the people that go to Target are a lot less likely to be stupid. It may be different at other Wal-Marts around the nation but here in Salt Lake the people who shop there seem to crawl out of very dark and dingy holes to stock up on mountain dew, potato chips and totino's pizzas. I wouldn't trust any of these people with my wallet I'll tell you that much. The point has arrived. My rant on Wal-Mart was just a bonus for what I really want to show you. I saw this today in the parking lot.

Remember The Club?

Some asshole really thinks this is going to stop a thief from taking his car. If the thief can get in I bet they can take the fucking club off too. It's just a simple lock. Many people know how to pick locks, I don't but a lot of people do. If you're a frequent to stealing cars I bet you bought a few clubs in the 90's to figure out how they work. That's what I would do. Good luck honda driver. I hope your car doesn't get stolen but thanks for the good laugh today. 

Welcome, I'm Glad You're Here

I have great news friends. Recently I dealt with the loss of a friend. I'm talking about my 60GB photo Ipod. He is officially dead and gone. He was given to me by a friend who also received a new buddy thus allowing me and 60GB to become awesomely acquainted. It's nice to know that my old buddy is in a better place (wherever it is they recycle used ipods). It has been a long road and as sad as I am to see him go, it warms my heart to know I was able to replace him just like that. 

Look how happy I am.

My new buddy 120GB is much better than my previous friend though I must mention that old Ipod and me had some good times. He went with me to Denver a few times. He went around the entire Salt Lake Valley and also helped me close and open the restaurant many many times. Those long bike rides where he provided the tunes and kept me motivated. I'll miss you buddy. I thank him for his services, his bravery and courage in his final noise making days. I salute you 60GB. May you be refurbished and allow someone else the privilege of enjoying music as I did with you. Farewell friend.

I welcome with open loving arms my new musical companion. 120GB you're my hero. 

I Should Start Somewhere

Welcome all to the Blog of the Czar. I'm still Martles the Great so don't be fooled by imitators. But as some of you have read from other blogs that Martles the Great will be referred to as The Czar. As not to make anymore confusion. Martles the Great and The Czar are the same man. Now that we have that out of the way I'd like to write what's been recently going on in the old dome.

I left my house this morning to make a doctor's appointment which was hopefully the last one. My stitches were removed from my hand and returning to work is just around the corner. For those of you who have never read anything I've written I'll quickly bring you up to speed. About a month and a half ago I injured my right hand on the job and have been living it up on workman's compensation. By the way I'd like to interject in my own blog to inform you that I'm tired of abbreviating everything, with the exception of PS and FU. PS I believe stands for Post Script (correct me if I'm wrong) and FU is simply Fuck You. That said let's get back to what I was talking about. My hand was sliced open from my lack of depth perception at the time on a silly real estate sign I was installing for work. Little did I know my hand was that close on my downstroke and one thing lead to another, ground pound, hand sliced, blood. The best part of it was I didn't even know I sliced my hand until I noticed the glove was cut. I looked into the cut of the glove to notice gushing blood. Ouch I know (I was there) but at the time shock mixed with adrenaline and the tenacity of work had allowed my brain to neglect the fact that it should be processing pain. You should be getting this now, severed tendon, surgery, stitches, hot nurses, bandages and 60% of my income mailed to me while I sat at home duped up on painkillers and boredom. Today those stitches were removed and normality can be restored. Hopefully.

Moving on to a series of random sentences that form no paragraph whatsoever but are relevant to the fact that there is a lot going on upstairs. In fact, I've decided to make these statements bullets so each one is separate and allowed equal view.

Women are ridiculous. 

I smoke too many cigarettes. 

My Ipod finally broke. 

I don't have a car. 

It's too cold to ride my bike. 

Dammit. 

Okkervil River is amazing. 

Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" is even better than I imagined on vinyl. 

Futurama needs to come back on the air. 

South Park is a breath of comedic genius. 

I miss Heath Ledger.

Family Guy is funny but I don't find myself wanting to watch it

How do I tell her that I want her to be with me?

Al Pacino needs a better agent, or at least one who knows how to say no. 

Matthew McConaughey is on my shit list. 

Fuck Shit Ass Cock Balls is one swear word.

I need to go to school.

Good guitars are expensive.

What happened to the season fall?

That's just what has been going on since I woke up today. It's brief but it's a good indicator of the fucked up thought process I have been blessed with. My brain is like a Macintosh, smart, efficient, reliable and capable of wonderfully processing films and music. I should let you know my brain comes with some complications and are quite similar to those of a personal computer. I could say PC but I told you earlier I hate that. I'll be adding PC to the excluded list. Viruses and altered programming mixed with outdated processors and little to no random access memory if we're just naming a few. I don't have anyway to end this so I'll let you envision me with my head in my hands and sighing...

I have a lot on my plate as of yet. I've been out of work for a month and a half and I can still rack them up like it's nobody's business. I currently have two jobs and I'm about ready to  lower that number to one. 

Workman's Compensation has taught me a few things : 

1. Getting paid to sit at home is nice but becomes boring fast when you only have one hand.

2. It allows you the time to think things over in your life.

3. People still call you from work to ask you silly questions they know the answers to.

4. Iowa is a cool place. I miss Wes and Christinia.

5. Nate Crippes is a great friend.

6. You lose your bar shifts if you get injured at your other job.

I'm done talking about my hand. I just realized how fun it is to make lists of things that randomly pop into my head. I can't concentrate anymore because my head is starting to get clogged again. I need to quit my other job so if you have any suggestions as to how I can do that without looking like an asshole please let me know. I get ahead of myself constantly which could in turn contribute to my current state of being.

Have a nice day and thanks for reading,

-Martles