Needed Something to Tie You Over

In case anyone was needing something from me to tie them over this is it. I'm currently in Florida hanging out with the family and our newest edition Keira. She's my niece and she's the most wonderful baby I've come across. It's silly to say she's the cutest because every asshole with a baby thinks theirs is the cutest. She is nevertheless. Fuck everyone else's babies. She's the one for me and all other babies can kiss my white ass. 

Also I would like to officially apologize to The Ranger. Tim Glenn that's you. I know you're the King of Glenndora and if Nate gets to have nicknames for all his friends blogs I feel I can do the same. Back to the point. Tim Glenn I'm very sorry I couldn't make it to your reception. I wish you both the best and I'm glad that some are capable of finding the wonderful thing we all take for granted called happiness. I tell you and everyone who reads this that I'll be buying you a beer the next available chance I get. If you don't want a beer I'll make other arrangements. I'll  leave you with a shot of my mug because pictures in your blog inspire more readers. Not to mention it looks a lot better if you can write and incorporate pictures into your blogs. Farewell everyone I shall return home soon. Fear not.

This is my mom. She is rad.

This is my brother in law's kid. So he's like my step nephew. This kid is crazy.

Apparently I'm a big fan of people screaming in pictures I take with them. I mean come on look how much fun we're having. Try it before you judge me.

Peace, love, and unprotected fornicating,

Martles

I Love You Grandma Suzie

Today has been a weird day already. First off I woke up way too late and I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. The first thing I do when I get up is check the time, then I reach for my phone to see if I slept through any calls or texts. My mom sent me a text this morning that said my Great Grandmother has passed away last night. She was 96 and had lived an amazing life. She was a member of the American Red Cross and has been a member for at least 75+ years. As far as my records are concerned she was one of the longest running members of the Red Cross. 

I loved her. But I feel a better sense of passing than I did with my Grandfather. I was told some of her last words were "I'm ready to meet the Lord." Now I'm not a religious man at all really but I still have a respect for those who are. My Grandmother was a saint. She was a wonderful sweet woman who never wanted to hurt anyone. This is a woman who at 92 went outside in the Michigan winter to feed the birds. Upon leaving her home to head down to feed the birds she slipped on the icy steps breaking her ankle. She got up and fed the birds anyway. She was unaware to the extent of the damage but dammit she was going to feed some birds. When she finished she went inside and called for help knowing that something was wrong with her foot. This woman was built from stone I swear to god. I don't know where it is we go to when we die, I don't know if we go anywhere, but if there is a Heaven this woman deserves entry. I'm very sad to know that she's gone but it warms my heart that her faith was so strong in what she believed in. She's in a better place now. I love you Great Grandma Suzie.

Much love and peace,

Martin (as she knew me)

Vegas Baby!

So apparently it's true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I was pulled aside by a suited gentleman while in the airport and he informed me that I was never to speak of the things I did in the city of Las Vegas. For two hours I was viciously interrogated about the events preceding my exit of Nevada. I was later forced to sign a waiver saying that I could never speak about my trip to Vegas. I signed it because it was the only way they would allow me to board the plane. There's a chance I'll apprehended for telling you this. Much love friends all is well for now.

Vegas is cool,

Martles

My Stomach Hates Me

Now I know I eat too much fast food. I want to know why my body hates me so much for eating it. It's not like I'm eating the shit everyday but once and a while, like twice or thrice a week, I like to indulge myself with some good eats. Well, low quality eats but they're tasty anyway. I've been traveling relentlessly around murray eating at all the greasy fat forming hot spots that they have to offer. We're talking Wendy's, Arby's, McD's, BK's, little mexican place called Albertos, Del Taco, Taco Bell and some good old fashioned Subway. These places are all disgusting to most normal people and sometimes I wish they were gross to me because I don't want to eat it anymore. It's terrible for you. Whopper with cheese is grand indeed but a friend with weed is better. That's for those few Placebo fans there are. 

I'm deciding to call my eating research that way I don't feel bad about eating it all the time. Which I try not to do. I was awoken this morning (noon) to an abrupt and sharp annoying sensation in my side. I couldn't move. I was just lying in bed and I had this horrific pain that I couldn't pinpoint. As I was laying in bed today I think I just might has grasped what it means to have the PMS. Girls talk about being bloaty and having cramps and all that weird vagina stuff and I've been fortunate enough to hear way too much of it. I'll admit my curiosity got me into trouble but I didn't know I was going to open Pandora's box of muff. I don't wish that kind of pain to anyone. If you already know keep it to yourself. I know more than I want to about the vagina. Moving on.

Back to my tossing with gut wrenching pain. I tried remembering what pregnant women do when in labor, the breathing thing, that really only made it worse. I tried holding my breath like you do in extreme pain and that too only made things worse. I was prepared for the worst. I thought that my appendix was going to explode. Then I realized I don't have insurance, there's not way I can get this handled. Fuck. What do I do when my insides splatter all over my walls in my dark room. Is anyone home to help drive me somewhere? It was at that moment the pain subsided and it felt like nothing had even happened. I'm going to take into consideration that this was all Burger King's fault. I had a tasty burger and fries last night which may lead to the contribution of terrible pain. I want to tell you all it was just a huge fart but that frankly just isn't the case. I'm going to tell you that I'm done with fast food but we all now that's a god damned dirty lie.

This is all your fault Burger King.

PS. You're welcome for the free advertising. Maybe a free sandwich is in order...

Whoever has some pepto bismol, bring me some. I think wave two is right around the corner.

Save my insides,

Martles