Vegas Baby!

So apparently it's true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I was pulled aside by a suited gentleman while in the airport and he informed me that I was never to speak of the things I did in the city of Las Vegas. For two hours I was viciously interrogated about the events preceding my exit of Nevada. I was later forced to sign a waiver saying that I could never speak about my trip to Vegas. I signed it because it was the only way they would allow me to board the plane. There's a chance I'll apprehended for telling you this. Much love friends all is well for now.

Vegas is cool,

Martles

My Stomach Hates Me

Now I know I eat too much fast food. I want to know why my body hates me so much for eating it. It's not like I'm eating the shit everyday but once and a while, like twice or thrice a week, I like to indulge myself with some good eats. Well, low quality eats but they're tasty anyway. I've been traveling relentlessly around murray eating at all the greasy fat forming hot spots that they have to offer. We're talking Wendy's, Arby's, McD's, BK's, little mexican place called Albertos, Del Taco, Taco Bell and some good old fashioned Subway. These places are all disgusting to most normal people and sometimes I wish they were gross to me because I don't want to eat it anymore. It's terrible for you. Whopper with cheese is grand indeed but a friend with weed is better. That's for those few Placebo fans there are. 

I'm deciding to call my eating research that way I don't feel bad about eating it all the time. Which I try not to do. I was awoken this morning (noon) to an abrupt and sharp annoying sensation in my side. I couldn't move. I was just lying in bed and I had this horrific pain that I couldn't pinpoint. As I was laying in bed today I think I just might has grasped what it means to have the PMS. Girls talk about being bloaty and having cramps and all that weird vagina stuff and I've been fortunate enough to hear way too much of it. I'll admit my curiosity got me into trouble but I didn't know I was going to open Pandora's box of muff. I don't wish that kind of pain to anyone. If you already know keep it to yourself. I know more than I want to about the vagina. Moving on.

Back to my tossing with gut wrenching pain. I tried remembering what pregnant women do when in labor, the breathing thing, that really only made it worse. I tried holding my breath like you do in extreme pain and that too only made things worse. I was prepared for the worst. I thought that my appendix was going to explode. Then I realized I don't have insurance, there's not way I can get this handled. Fuck. What do I do when my insides splatter all over my walls in my dark room. Is anyone home to help drive me somewhere? It was at that moment the pain subsided and it felt like nothing had even happened. I'm going to take into consideration that this was all Burger King's fault. I had a tasty burger and fries last night which may lead to the contribution of terrible pain. I want to tell you all it was just a huge fart but that frankly just isn't the case. I'm going to tell you that I'm done with fast food but we all now that's a god damned dirty lie.

This is all your fault Burger King.

PS. You're welcome for the free advertising. Maybe a free sandwich is in order...

Whoever has some pepto bismol, bring me some. I think wave two is right around the corner.

Save my insides,

Martles

My Love Rekindled

Now I have never stopped liking Modest Mouse. I will always love Modest Mouse even though they haven't been able to impress me recently. I'll tell you now I'd much rather listen to Good News for People Who Love Bad News over We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank any day of the damn week. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

Their newest installment has a very lack luster sound. Sure they spent a lot of time in the studio drowning out Mr. Brock and other crucial members of the band with silly effects and twangs, but point being they never needed those things. Their amazing sound and tenacity came from struggle and depression. Those things made Modest Mouse sound great. Now that they have all the money they could ever need there's no reason to write songs like "Bankrupt on Selling" or "Styrofoam Boots". They can now write silly songs like "Dashboard" and "Florida" that frankly suck. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

I'll keep supporting you Modest Mouse, and I'll always remember the awful winter days where you reminded me that your life has sucked a lot more than mine. I'll always remember having moments where I knew exactly what you were talking about through song, those moments people don't like to talk about because they're afraid of conveying a large amount of emotion for something as little as a song. I love music for that very reason. Each song is a gateway to somewhere else, where you don't have to be yourself anymore but merely listen to what and how someone else feels. It's amazing. I like to think everyone else feels this way about music and I know some people do. 

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

I know I'm a music elitist and I know it has caused some trouble with other music lovers I know. But what I try to get out there is that I'll listen to almost anything once. I listened to "Under the Black Light" by Rilo Kiley for Christ's sake. That was some awful music. I do my best not to offend other people's taste in music but sometimes they are asking for it. I don't need to listen to Insane Clown Posse to know that they suck. A lot of people like it and good for them. If you're not going to let me say I don't like it there's no reason I should have to listen to you ramble on about how good you think they are.

Stole this from Crippes, listen to Modest Mouse because they are awesome.

It's all a matter of respect. If you're in my house telling me my music sucks, you're not going to get a pleasant response. If you're in my house refusing to listen to my friend explain his love of Modest Mouse to you, you're not going to get a pleasant response. All I'm saying is, I have an opinion too, I heard yours now let me tell you mine. I will not allow bad mouthing of Modest Mouse near me again. I'm with Dave on this one. I'm ready to get into fights defending them. 

If you see this album buy it. It's worth it. If you don't agree you're missing out.

I Might Be Insane

So for whatever reason lately I've been having trouble getting to sleep. I'm not going to lie I've been staying up way too late. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I worry too much but nevertheless I can't seem to get much sleep. For the past few days I've been staying up till five and six in the am. When you stay up that late it allows you to sleep through a lot. Before you know it, it's two thirty in the afternoon and you have to go to work in two hours. The only way to kill time before work is to write blogs and smoke cigarettes. 

Maybe I'm freaking out about who's going to win the election. My main man Barack or oil drilling moose hunting mavericks. Maybe it's because I'm coming to a point in my life where I should be doing something and I can't figure out what the hell it is. Maybe I know what it is and it scares the shit out of me because of what I'll have to do. People here don't understand and I'm going to bum out a lot of people when I do it. I'll leave it at that for now.

On a lighter note I've been thinking a lot about who would be able to kick Robert Redford's ass. Now I should preface this by saying I love me some Robbie Redford. When you have a man like that he needs a counterweight. He needs someone who is an equal or at least someone he can spar with. The only few names that come up are Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman. Maybe Robert Duvall on a good day. I watched the Last Castle for the first time last night and I must say it wasn't that bad. I want to say it was great but maybe I need to watch it again. The entire time I knew that James Gandolfini couldn't keep up with Redford. No way was Gandolfini going to be able to take him down, Redford is smarter and better than him. Now I could go on but I feel it would be rambling so I reiterate my initial question. Who do you think could kick Robert Redford's ass? I want to know because these are the things I worry about and I'm thoroughly entertained by the fact. I need feedback on this one folks. I can't do it without you. 

Who thinks they got what it takes to kick this man's ass?

I don't know what I'm writing about anymore. Just help, I think I'm losing my mind.

What the fuck,

Martles

Calm Down They're Just Germs

I read the Crippes King's blog about toilet paper today and he made a valid point I would like to elaborate on. He said, "I know we're all afraid of germs, but let's build that immune system back up."He's absolutely right, germs are an essential part of living. Adapting to your surroundings and survival of the fittest. Do you really think you're going to be "fit" if you keep washing your hands after you touch anything that isn't yours? Of course not. Ever wonder why those people who are constantly using hand sanitizer are frequently sick? They're killing good germs as well as the bad ones. Now believe me there are such a thing as good germs. You cannot be alive and well if you don't have germs that work against your sicknesses, they're called antibodies. You acquire antibodies from everyday life, like walking, breathing, touching doorknobs, going to work, or going to school. If you kill all these germs before you can acquire them your body will be defenseless. Ever notice how you've been around someone who is sick and you always seem to catch it? Try not washing your hands after every little thing you do. Now unfortunately nowadays you must include a disclaimer for those people who take advice to the extreme. I'm not saying don't wash your hands, but rather pick and choose the times you do. Here I'll make a list for you showing you proper and improper times to wash those filthy mitts. 

DO Wash:

1. If you take a shit.

2. If you take out the garbage.

3. If you touch raw meat of any kind.

4. If coughed on by a hobo.

5. Before eating anything, that's just smart.

DON'T Wash:

1. If you took a piss at your own home.

2. If you shook someone's hand you didn't know.

3. If you touched dirty laundry (depends on how dirty i guess).

4. If you touched a doorknob in an unfamiliar building.

5. If you rode in a car that wasn't yours.

Really people this isn't fucking rocket science. There's a time and a place for washing your hands and you should use better judgment. If your hands are soiled, literally covered in something, then sure you can wash those hands. But there's no reason to get all wash crazy just because you touched something unfamiliar. Germs are a good thing. The best defense is a good offense. Having antibodies is like handing the good germs in your body guns and ammo. The more they have the stronger they'll be and the more bad germs they can kill off. Your body is a growing and evolving thing. Our bodies are capable of amazing things and that fucking hand sanitizer is ruining that. I'm telling you to get out there and get dirty and don't worry about it.

I'll leave you with some words from the late amazing George Carlin, " If we're supposed to wash our hands after touching our dick, shouldn't we be washing our dicks?"

I Couldn't Resist

Since I don't work at FastSigns anymore I feel that I can share with you something I did on the job. I went to a place Called DIFUKU to remove and re-install dimensional letters for them. The letters were large and had a mirror front as you can see in the picture below. I admit I took the letters off in a certain order. I couldn't help myself, so I had to take a picture. Childish and silly as it is I got a good laugh out of it. 

My favorite part was when I left it like that for thirty minutes as I took a lunch and a smoke break. I didn't go far as to not get into too much trouble but seeing some people's faces as they got on the elevator was priceless. 

There are a lot of goofy things that can happen when you work for a sign company. I'm the kind of asshole who loves to mess with the public and whenever opportunities like this arise I love to take advantage. Not to mention finding something that keeps you entertained at work is a good thing. It's healthy to enjoy yourself. You have to be on the lookout for the hilarious and ridiculous in any situation. Now go out there and find something funny, you won't regret it.

The Club Isn't Dead

I went shopping today at one of America's conglomerates also known as Wal-Mart. Now I know that I'm supporting big business by shopping there but in our current state of economic catastrophe their low low prices are hard to pass up. I wish I could buy everything I needed from Ralph's family owned grocery but there come times where you have to suck up your pride and just go out and buy some shit. I bought groceries so I can eat (not much harm done right?). Wal-Mart is a pain in my ass though. I would much rather shop at Target for many reasons. It's the same thing for one, the merchandise is better quality, and the best reason is that the people that go to Target are a lot less likely to be stupid. It may be different at other Wal-Marts around the nation but here in Salt Lake the people who shop there seem to crawl out of very dark and dingy holes to stock up on mountain dew, potato chips and totino's pizzas. I wouldn't trust any of these people with my wallet I'll tell you that much. The point has arrived. My rant on Wal-Mart was just a bonus for what I really want to show you. I saw this today in the parking lot.

Remember The Club?

Some asshole really thinks this is going to stop a thief from taking his car. If the thief can get in I bet they can take the fucking club off too. It's just a simple lock. Many people know how to pick locks, I don't but a lot of people do. If you're a frequent to stealing cars I bet you bought a few clubs in the 90's to figure out how they work. That's what I would do. Good luck honda driver. I hope your car doesn't get stolen but thanks for the good laugh today.